September 9
Miles: 15.9
Mile Markers: 2641.1 – 2625.2 (Hart’s Pass)
Heat Acclimation: 23%
Listening to: J.S. Mahlon – Wild
I’m still on the trail, but I’m done with the trail. What a weird limbo to be in. Maybe that’s for the best though. One extra day to process what this all means, that it’s all done now. That I won’t be here, that I won’t live here, on the trail anymore.
It’s finally hitting me that this experience is coming to a close. It’s been the thrill of my lifetime. The absolute highest of highs, and the absolute lowest of lows. There is no way to ever fully explain it. I’ve had my heart broken a thousand times, and have had it more than mended. The things I thought I wanted have completely changed. I’ve changed. I’ve discovered that I’m even stronger than I ever imagined. I’ve let go of some of the heaviest things I’ve carried for a lifetime, ironically while carrying a heavy backpack. I’ve laughed harder than I have in years, I’ve cried more than I’ve cried in years, I’ve been in the worst pain, and experienced more pure joy and awe than I could ever explain. I’ve felt more alive, and more myself than I’ve ever felt in my life. I’m grateful for all of it. This experience has been truly a gift, and one of the greatest blessings of my life.
I actually camped in the same exact spot that I camped two nights ago and the whole family was at the same campsite but we packed up at different times in the morning. Warpaint and Crib were gone by the time I got packed up, and then Rocky took off, and then Bodybag, Roses, Bap and Fonda were left. I went ahead of them but they soon caught up because I was just hobbling along, and they demanded to take my stuff again, so Roses took my tent, Bap took my clothes. Fonda took my electronics and Bodybag took my sleeping bag.
I could keep hiking and carry everything myself. I’m fully capable. It’s not that I can’t. But they told me I didn’t need to carry everything alone, I didn’t need to carry my burdens by myself. And if that’s not a metaphor for life, I don’t know what is. And I let them help me. I’m not a lone wolf, no matter how I felt when I started the trail. I’m part of this pack now, and I genuinely love these people with all my heart. I can’t even imagine having finished the trail without them.
Before I left for the trail, I looked at so many Instagram pictures, and watched so many YouTube videos of all these happy tramilies on the trail and I had hoped to find my own, but for most of the trail I felt so alone. But hiking with them through Washington and the end of Oregon has been the absolute greatest time, and I’m so lucky to have met them. I found my people, and they found me.
I’m in a lot of pain today. My leg hurts so badly, and my stomach hurts from all the ibuprofen, and I’m really tired because I couldn’t make myself eat dinner last night, but I’m trying to enjoy the trail, the last tiny little bit of it. This has been the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life, the best, the most rewarding thing, and the most fun. I started the trail feeling unsure of myself and I was forced to discover that I could do this. Some part of me believed that I wasn’t worthy of being loved, truly really loved the right way, but I left that behind somewhere on the trail in the last 800 miles.
People talk a lot about the post trail blues. The depression that follows doing something this incredible – when you go back to your normal life, when you go back to the human world. I’m sure I will feel some of that at times, but in general, I feel so lucky to have had this experience. So happy to have the friends that I’ve made. I feel so much more confident. I feel so much more alive. So much more like myself. And I think that’s something that nobody and nothing can ever take away from me. My old life was already gone the moment I stepped out on the trail, so I’m not trying to go back to anything. I have a whole new adventure ahead of me and I’m excited about it.
Roses Rocky, Bap and Fonda kept stopping for coffee, to eat berries, to put on sunscreen, so I kept catching up to them. They never leave me behind.
The last 4 miles of the trail felt like the longest 4 miles I’ve ever walked in my entire life. Of the hundreds, of the thousands of miles I walked on the trail, these four were the absolute longest and most difficult. I wanted them to end. I didn’t want them to ever end. This is it. These are the last miles. The final miles of the PCT back to Hart’s Pass.
When I walked through this section a few days ago, it was foggy and smokey, and I couldn’t see the mountains, but today it’s pretty clear, and I see all the snow-covered mountains in the distance in every single direction. It’s beautiful. I’m trying to enjoy it, to remember it. This is the end. This is the end of the road, the end of the trail, my final moments on the PCT.
Towards the end of the trail, Bap, Roses and Rocky went ahead, and I walked alone for a while. Shortly before getting to Harts Pass, I saw Rainbow, Caramel and Slango, who I had hung out with at Trail Days. We said goodbye, took some selfies together, and congratulated each other. As they walked off, they yelled Have a nice life! Both such a nice wish but also sad, because I likely won’t see them again.
As I approached the trailhead, I realized this was it. This was the end of the entire trail. I wanted to cry, but I wasn’t sad exactly. I wasn’t happy exactly. I came to the clearing where the road went to the campground at Hart’s Pass and I began walking up. I heard the cheers of my tramily welcoming me, congratulating me. They all ran over and hugged me, told me how proud they were of me, how much they loved me, handed me a beer and a chilli dog. Someone popped a bottle of champagne. We were all together, we were all done. It was over, the trail was gone, and I was left surrounded by this wild group of people that I had come to love completely. It was the perfect ending to this journey.
A day hiker heading to the trail congratulated me and said I can tell by those legs, you’re a real thru hiker.
I am. I am a real thru hiker. I am a real backpacker.
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