I got my second letter in my box from PVC a few days ago. It’s been long enough now that I don’t remember what I wrote in each letter and it feels like it came from someone else. In this particular letter, I wrote to myself about work – how I hoped I was forgetting. I guess pretty timely given how upset I was a few days ago.
A few years ago, I dated someone who was deployed overseas for 6 months and I wrote him a bunch of cards to take before he left. He really didn’t care very much and had such little regard for me that he was fine dragging me along for attention when it was convenient for him, so I eventually was the one who left. Some people are such cowards, they just treat you so badly until you’re the one who gets fed up and ends things, instead of just saying whatever it is that they need to say – “I’m not interested in you”, or “there’s someone else”.
I do notice the little shifts, the changes in word choices, the tiny pauses, the barely perceptible things that just feel off and you don’t really know why. I file them away, and then when the filing cabinet is too full, that’s when the nagging feeling comes, the dreams that usually end up being weirdly accurate, the gut feeling. The intuition.
I don’t believe that women are inherently more intuitive than men are – I just think we have to gather more information in order to stay safe than men do. We are more skilled at the observation of others, our nervous systems attuned to changes in emotions and moods, scanning for danger like an advanced military radar system, the data management systems of the information we collect – sophisticated intelligence systems.
In 2019 when I was the sickest, I was too sick to keep in touch with my friends toward the second half of the year. I didn’t see anyone, I didn’t make plans, I became a recluse. And then the COVID lock downs came. And then I moved to Washington. There were people I never said goodbye to, and never saw again.
In Washington, I mostly focused on finding answers to my health issues. Dating and socializing weren’t my main priorities and I very much turned inward. I didn’t focus so much on others, on observing them. For once, I wanted to be selfish and to observe myself, to heal myself.
I dated a few people over the last few years but the relationships I ended up in were not good. I think I’d periodically think about dating, and would end up spending time with someone who showed me consistent attention. At least in the beginning. I was so alone, and felt starved for love, and would fall prey to narcissists, or narcissist-adjacent men. The care and attention would vanish, sometimes overnight. They had gotten the attention back that they wanted from me, but when I no longer kept offering it up after they violated some boundary, or they observed that I wasn’t going to be ok with their behavior, or they knew that I had noticed some inconsistency, they’d just move on to the next one. Perhaps that’s a compliment that there was nothing here for them.
Being on the trail makes me feel the way I did before I was sick. I’m around people all the time. I have many acquaintances here. I have some friends I’d consider close friends now. I can focus on observing the other people around me, not because I am in danger, but because I want them to be happy. I want them to be safe. I want them to make it as far as they want to on this trail. I don’t feel alone. I don’t feel starved for love here. My advanced monitoring systems can be used to keep track of the physical safety of others this time.
Anyway, getting these letters from myself, these care packages, and food and notes, all the little things someone did for me – it makes me feel very loved, and makes me so appreciative of the person who did these things. How lucky am I?
Now onto our regularly scheduled programming: Day 17.
We woke up “late” and headed to Amelia’s Donuts for donuts at 8am. I needed to have an Amelia donut while in Idyllwild. For obvious reasons. It was there that I was able to pet my first dog of the day, a small emotional support dog who seemed distressed to be away from his emotional support human when he (the human) went to the bathroom. The owner of the donut shop (Amelia) scolded the man and asked him to bring the dog into the bathroom instead of leaving the dog out in the cafe whining next time. They both seemed to be regulars.
After donuts, we went back to our cabin with Danger (AKA Jenna) and planned the next section. Danger and I both have boxes being sent to Cabazon, so we wanted to get there by Friday and not have to wait the whole weekend until Monday so we decided to leave tomorrow and go straight through San Jacinto mountains in 5-6 days instead of going back down Saddle Junction again to Idyllwild, so our packs are going to be pretty heavy with food. This will be our longest stretch without reaching a town as well. Boomerang (the hiker formerly known as Eden) and PP are going to go a bit slower and leave on Monday. PP just got a new backpack and Boomerang has been having some tendon issues and is swapping out her shoes tomorrow. But Danger and I have to get our boxes, so we are going ahead. We will wait at a nature preserve for the other girls after the mountains.
After planning, we hung out for awhile and then went to lunch with Michelle, who was heading back to the trail today with Pippin and Jamie. After lunch I offered to swap appointment times with Michelle so she could see Blaze at 2:30 and head back to the trail with her group, and I would take her 4:30 appointment. After lunch we went up to the front of the brewery and Jamie, Pippin and a few other people were there. I think we were talking about physical therapy and it came up that another girl had EDS too?!?!?!?!!!? I met another hypermobile gumbie in the wild!!! And a thru hiker at that!!!
I stayed to hang out with her for awhile and we talked about electrolytes, physical therapy, Garmin data, shoes, spine issues, etc. It was so cool to meet another person with all of these issues, and to see them on the trail of all places. My second EDS person of the trip. I’m beyond glad I offered to switch appointment times with Michelle because I probably wouldn’t have met this girl otherwise!! We’re going to stay in touch and help each other with EDS related hiking stuff!
We all went to take pictures with the Mayor of Idyllwild, California, who is a dog. My second dog petting of the day. A fluffy golden retriever named Max. It seems like more like a monarchy than a democratically elected official because apparently he is from a long line of mayors in his family. While we were waiting to pet Max, another dog – a pittie mix who had a “Birthday boy” bandana was walking by and I got to pet him too. My third dog petting of the day!
I had my physical therapy appointment with Morgan from Blaze and it was awesome! She didn’t really tell me anything I wasn’t that already aware of, but still good to get checked out and get some trail specific advice! It was really good to hear that none of my pain was red flag overuse – just some of the things I had already been working on in PT related to my ankles and ribs. I have poor dorsiflexion in my ankles and walk on the outside of my feet. I turn out my right hip due to needing to pronate, which causes pain behind my knee and in hip. She gave me some exercises and some pads to put on my insoles to help me spread my feet out a bit more and told me that maybe down the road it may be helpful to have some custom insoles made to help make space in my shoes for my navicular bones more. She told me my 9.5mm drop Nikes were perfectly good for me and to not be intimidated just because nobody else on the trail wore them – they seemed to be the right shoes for me. Oh, and she has a dog, a golden retriever named Honey, so that was my fourth dog petting of the day! Honey knew I was a dog person so I got some extra kisses.
I went back to the room and we heated up leftover lasagna from the night before. I love these girls. I met them basically two weeks ago and we probably wouldn’t have met or become friends in “real life”, but I have grown to love them so much.
I think this is the kind of tramily I wanted – one where I can hike alone during the day, and we meet up periodically. One where I can break off for awhile and do my own thing for a bit and then we regroup. I don’t need to be with people all the time – I like my solitude sometimes, but I also absolutely love my little tramily.
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